I think I am morally bankrupt
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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