Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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