she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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