Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
