This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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