i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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