There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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