Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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