Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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