I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
