I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
