i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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