how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
