Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
