i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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