i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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