im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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