Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
pop tarts are not kleenex
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
