I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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