Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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