im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
