you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
two words...techno handjob
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
