Your dad touched me again.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
