I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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