Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
