trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I don't deserve a penis
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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