Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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