it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just googled if crying burns calories
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
