I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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