shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
