I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
