spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
