i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want to make out with him forever
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
