I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
