I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
