guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
