Where did you get a picture of my penis
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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