Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
