Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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