I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
