my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
