My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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