Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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