She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
