Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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