i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Randomize
