I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
