just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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