You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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