rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
