I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
