I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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