my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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