i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize