What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
