don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize