It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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