I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
