Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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