masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
