Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
